


All The Colours It's Never Been

by Gcgraywriter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BAMF Hermione Granger, Best Friends, Contraception, Embarrassment, F/M, Harry Potter & Ron Weasley Friendship, Help Me Harry, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter Friendship, Hermione Granger Saves The Day, Spells & Enchantments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:49:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23326534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gcgraywriter/pseuds/Gcgraywriter
Summary: A crack piece based on the popular game "Cards Against Muggles" for a fest pieceRon needs Harry's help with a spell that's gone wrong.Black Card - "When Ron Weasley ins;t afraid of spiders, he's afraid of________White Card - "Doing a contraceptive charm wrong and making your dick turn purple."Enjoy
Relationships: Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley
Comments: 14
Kudos: 15
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	All The Colours It's Never Been

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StoriesbyNessie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StoriesbyNessie/gifts).



> A very special to my editor - Korakunkle who beta's almost all of my work when I'm not too impatient to post. 
> 
> Also I'm gifting this to our resident Ron Weasley Expert. I hope you enjoy this Ness xxx

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/187009200@N02/49700616352/in/dateposted-public/)

“Ron? What happened to you?” Harry asked as Ron walked into the common room. His face was as red as his hair and he was walking awkwardly. Hermione rolled her eyes and huffed as she started to collect up her books. They still weren’t talking over the whole Lavender upset. Harry rolled his eyes as she got up and stormed off, almost knocking Ron over on her way to the girl’s dorms. Ron grimaced in pain, held his breath and waited for Hermione to disappear completely. When he heard the door slam, he let go of his breath and whimpered.

“What in Merlin’s name is wrong with you? You look like you’ve been hit by the Hogwarts express!”

“It’s so much worse!” Ron squeaked as he slowly made his way to the sofa. “I need your help!”

“What with?” Harry asked as he watched in confusion when Ron lowered himself down onto the sofa. He hissed and groaned before finally getting himself settled.

“It’s bad, mate!” He whimpered, his bottom lip trembling. “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t urgent.”

“Of course, what is it?” 

Ron looked around the common room to make sure it was empty.

“You know I was spending the evening with Lav?” He whispered. 

Harry rolled his eyes. Of course, he knew. Ron had talked about nothing else for weeks. He nodded so that Ron would hurry up and finish.

“Well, things were going really well, you know? She was really into it. I did all the spells and made all the moves, she really wanted it,” He shrugged and nodded with a desperate grin, as if to remind himself that it had been at least slightly good. Harry nodded again. “So we got down to it, I-”

“Save the details, I really don’t need to hear everything,” Harry said, his nose wrinkling with disgust. He had never found Lavender the bit least attractive and wanted to know a little as possible about her. 

“So, we’re going at it, and she starts crying out and writhing. I thought, ‘Wow Mate. You are great at this! Finally, something you’re a natural at!’” His smile wilted as Harry watched. “She started to panic and pushed me away. Which made me panic and wonder what was going on.” Ron's eyes widened, and his face went white. “She started pointing and screaming at me. I tried calming her down but she wouldn’t so I glanced down, and that’s when I notice it.” 

He squeaked.

“It was purple, like deep purple. It’s never been that colour before!” He whimpered.

Harry felt dread pooling in the pit of his stomach as Ron continued. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had a rough idea of what Ron was about to ask him to do and he shook his head.

“Please tell me you went to the hospital wing, Ron?”

“How could I?” Ron squealed. “Can you imagine Madam Pomfrey's face?” Ron's eyes were wide with panic now. “Please Harry, would you look at it? I need your help!”

Harry closed his eyes again and nodded, he knew what it was like going to the hospital wing where people started to talk, but he really didn’t want to do this.

Ron looked around again before he started to loosen his already open trousers.

Harry stared and swallowed as his brain tried to make sense of the mess.

“Ron, you need to go to the hospital wing,”

“No, Harry, please. You can sort it.”

“Ron, if I do anything wrong, you’ll lose it forever. It’s going from purple to black.”

“What?” Ron cried. “What’ll I do Harry?”

“Oh, you boys are pathetic!” Hermione muttered from the stairs. She flicked her wand and Harry watched as Ron’s penis returned to what he would consider a normal colour. 

“Oh, Hermione! Thank you.” He said with a sigh as he sank into the sofa. “I take back everything I said,” He smiled with bliss.

“Er, Ron… Bad choice of words.” 

Ron frowned and looked up. He smiled appeasingly to Hermione before tucking himself away again.

“Boys! Absolutely pathetic!” She grunted as she disappeared back into the girl's dorms.

Harry shook his head in agreement with her as he left Ron to relax on the sofa. He grimaced at the memory and wondered whether Hermione would be willing to obliviate him. If there was one horror he didn’t need in his already cluttered brain, it was the image of Ron’s angry purple penis.


End file.
